This Was Goodbye
by ApocalypseAlice
Summary: Karkat Vantas couldn't have expected what was about to happen. The results would change his life... forever.


I never really realized my feelings until it was too late. Just like me to fuck everything up again. Here I am, thinking about it. I just wish... I wish I had seen this coming. Nothing could have prepared me for this. Now I know for sure that I'm no leader. So maybe I'm a little hard on myself sometimes. I'll admit that much. But in the end, I only ever wanted the best for everyone, and the harsh reality is that I failed at that. I failed to be a great leader. And in a way, I failed to be a good friend. I failed to even be a mediocre friend. Don't think I'm just downing myself, I'm not a self-hating prick. Not like my past self. My past self was a real douche. That guy really hated himself.

It had been a day like any other. Gamzee was hiding and being anti-social, save for the hate-snogging with Terezi up in the air vents. Looking back, it's actually kind of funny to think they didn't know I knew about their little blackrom games. I'm pretty sure everyone knew, just like everyone knew that I have mutant blood. I was staring at the screen of my husktop, lines of shitty coding open in a notepad file. Captor has always been right. My codes are a menace to society, and I should stop while I'm ahead. My eyes lit up for a second while a little window popped up, the sound of the Trollian bing noise leaving the speakers. A message. A message for me.

- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 12:45 -  
[12:45]AC: :33 hey karkitty!  
[12:45]AC: :33 can i ask you a favor purrlease?

Great. Just what I wanted, to be pestered by the annoying cat-girl who shipped everyone with everyone else, and all the time at that. I leaned back in my seat, a blank expression on my I actually answer?

[12:47]AC: :33 cmon karkitty, its really impurrtant!  
[12:47]AC: :33 i cant find equius anywhere, and things look purrty bad... i think i really messed up!  
[12:50]CG: LISTEN. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU BROKE. YOU BROKE IT, YOU FIX IT. NOT MY PROBLEM.  
[12:50]AC: :33 karkitty its not something i can fix by myself!  
[12:51]AC: :33 um... hold on, i need to clean this up fur a second, there is green everywhere...  
- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 12:51 -

I just stared at the screen. What the hell was that about, I thought to myself. A shrug was given. I switched windows, looking back at the lines of code once more. I'm not sure why, but for some reason, I felt like it was very important to look back at the message she had sent me. Green everywhere? I still don't know why that stood out to me. And I also don't know why I did what I did next. I just wish I had done it sooner.

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] at 13:02 -  
[13:02]CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY GREEN EVERYWHERE?

Several moments passed, and there was no answer. I started to feel a little... I don't know. I can't describe it. It was as if the world was beginning to slow down around me. I looked at the time. At least five minutes had past.

[13:08]CG: THIS IS PROBABLY THE FARTHEST THING FROM FUNNY, NEPETA.  
[13:08]CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, GREEN EVERYWHERE?  
[13:09]AC: :33 oh! sorry about that, i kind of drifted off fur a moment! i guess this really is wearing me out.  
[13:09]CG: THAT DOESN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION.  
[13:09]AC: :33 its just a little blood, dont worry, okay?  
[13:10]CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, BLOOD? WAIT, GREEN BLOOD? DID YOU HURT KANAYA?  
[13:10]AC: :33 no no no! i kind of got myself hurt. thats why i was asking if you could maybe come help me out. im kind of really sleepy now... you dont have to come.

I'm fairly certain that's when I realized how bad this could be. I was right. I wish with all that I am that I had been wrong then. That I would have gone to find her, and that everything would have been okay. Somethings just aren't meant to be though. Just my luck too. I should have... I should have been there sooner.

[13:11]CG: DON'T YOU *DARE* GO TO SLEEP. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?  
[13:11]AC: :33 oh, im just laying down near one of the science labs... dont worry, ill be fine. i purromise.  
- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] at 13:11 -

I didn't even respond. In fact, looking back, I remember not even closing the husktop. I booked it. I accidentally knocked Captor over, who kind of gave me the most confused look I've ever seen on his face in my life. And the guy can get some pretty weird looks sometimes. Any other time, I would have stopped to give him some sort of shit. He may have been a pain in the ass, but still, he was a friend. To be honest, I feel like I could be a lot nicer to the guy, seem as how he puts up with my crap so often. Then again, I think he kind of likes the abuse. He's worse than Equius when it comes to that stuff.

I hurried as fast as I could. When I finally made it to the room that she had mentioned, I looked around frantically, my eyes searching around until they stopped, resting on her. I could feel my think pan stop completely for a few moments, and my blood-pumping vessel too. There she was, lying there in a pool of olive blood, curled into a tight little ball. She didn't seem to notice me standing there, instead, she was staring at her hands, which she had clamped to her stomach. I opened my mouth, but only a soft wheeze came out. She looked up at me, a look of sheer joy on her face. I'll never understand why she was so happy in that moment. I would have been so afraid. And to be honest, I was afraid.

"Karkitty! You made it!" It's funny, when she spoke, I could still kind of see her quirk in my head. It seemed to resonate with me. I opened my mouth in an attempt to say something. That was just... so much blood. "Now, don't fureak out or anything, okay?" Even when she spoke, she used her little puns. Had it been any other time, I probably would have called her out on it. Again, I tried to speak. This time I had a little more success.  
"What the fuck happened? What stupid fuckery did you get up to?" I blinked as she winced at the harshness of my tone. Or at least, I assumed that's what she winced at. She probably was just wincing from pain, now that I think about it.  
"It's not a big deal, I just really wanted someone to be here whie I take my nap, okay?"  
"Your... nap?"  
"Yeah! My nap! I mean, I've got to rest this off, right? I've been laying here for a while. I'm purretty tired now."

I stared at her. She'd been laying here a while, or at least that's what she claimed. "How long have you been in here?"  
She was quiet at first. "Nepeta, answer me."  
"Fur about an hour."  
"..." She had been laying there for an hour before she had bothered to try and message me. "Why?"  
"I just know how busy you are, I didn't want to be a bother, you know?"  
"Look at yourself, dumbass! You should have called me sooner!"  
It was around then that I realized that there was too much blood. I stepped forward, and looked at her closely.  
"Karkitty, could you do me that favor?"  
"What favor?"  
"I want to see my meowrail. He wouldn't answer my messages earlier. Find my meowrail for me?"  
"You mean Equius?"  
"Who else?"

Again I stared, but then I nodded. "Give me your husktop."  
She reached over, and pushed the thing to me. It was a pathetic movement, and she winced, a soft whine leaving her mouth as she did so. She had probably taken so long to message me because of the pain. I shuddered, looking at her again, before logging into my own handle. I sent a message to Equius, demanding that he show up. I guess, in a way I was lucky that he responded. At least she got to see him. "He says he's on his way."  
"Purrfect!" She beamed, and then coughed a little. As the air left her mouth, so did a few tiny dots of olive. I felt sick to my stomach. This didn't look good. It didn't look good at all. I leaned closer to her, and as gently as I could, tried to move her arm out of the way.

"Let me get a look at y-" My jaw dropped at what I saw. There, in her stomach, was a hole, at least the width of a broom handle. I had to turn my face away quickly, feeling the sudden need to puke. This was bad. It was really really bad. At that same time, -he- showed up.

"What... what is this?" His voice was so urgent, and he pushed past me just like I had done to Sollux earlier. I let out a small yelp. Equius had always been too strong for his own good. I knew it was an accident that he had bruised my shoulder. He was just so worried about her. I watched him as he knelt down in front of Nepeta, already sweating, though not for any perverse reason. "I am here now, Nepeta. Look at me."

"Equius...you came!" Her voice was weaker than it had been before. It was heartwrenching how joyful she was, given what she looked like. "I'm so glad... so glad you came!" I winced as she coughed again. I wanted to tear my eyes away from it, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to look away from Equius hovering over her.

"Who did this to you? What happened? I will crush whoever harmed you." He wasn't really angry, I could tell. No, the sound of his voice held fear.  
"Nobody did it, it was an accident."  
"Accidents like this don't just happen, Nepeta. Tell me at once what happened to you." Again his voice was harsh, but both Nepeta and I knew he meant well.  
"I went out fur a hunt. I was hungry. I guess I got a little carried away, and picked out some prey that was too big for got me purrty good, didn't it?" She forced a laugh out that ended with a bit of wheezing. She was in pain, and yet she was still trying her hardest to be cheery.  
"What have I told you about biting off more than you can chew?" He reprimanded before his tone softened again. "We'll have to dress the wound. Vantas. Retrieve some bandages for me."

I had a feeling he knew best, and I just followed my instructions quietly. It was a weird feeling walking out of that room, especially since I knew what was going on in there. But I managed to bring my heart back to a normal pace. Equius was there, I was getting bandages, my friend would be just fine. I blinked a few times as the thought danced through my mind. Nepeta as a friend, instead of the annoying girl I usually avoided with my life. I scrambled to my own block, searching for the first-aid kit. Once I had located it, I hurried back as quickly as I could. By the time I was back, Equius had somehow managed to pick her up, and put her in his lap. My eyebrows raised. Who knew that a guy as strong as that could be so... gentle, I guess is the word.

"Here, I got what I could. Now fucking fix her, I don't need her bleeding all over the carpet." I didn't know how else to put it at the time. I wasn't about to let them know how scared I actually was. Equius glared at me, and grabbed the kit from my hand, and started working on the wound. Nepeta winced with pain several times. After a while he passed me back the box.  
"You'll have to be very careful with these stitches. Is that understood?" Equius' voice was still commanding, but there was a definite sound of concern.

Again there was silence in the room, and I noticed that she was slowly closing her eyes. "Hey, no! No, don't do that. No." She twitched and looked up at me.  
"But Karkitty... I'm just so... so sleepy. Can't I take just a little catnap?"

"Absolutely not. You are to stay awake until I give you permission to. That is an order." Equius sounded stern.  
"Oh... okay.." She sounded disappointed.  
"...Nepeta. You are shivering."  
"It's cold in here... maybe... maybe you turned on the... the ac?" She started to giggle. At first I didn't get it. But then I realized she was making a joke. Her handle's initials were AC. I felt my pump biscuit sink again. She was making jokes, even in this.  
"...That was quite amusing, Nepeta." The harshness had all but dissolved from his voice. "Vantas, pass me that blanket."

I silently did as he asked, and watched him as he carefully wrapped her in it. Again I was shocked to see how careful he was being. It was kind of a miracle. Another one of her giggles left her mouth, but it was ended with a soft squeak of pain, but picked up again, more giggles.  
"I...I'm a purrito." I squeezed my eyes shut. She was having a hard time speaking. I could hear it in her voice. I was the one to answer this time.  
"Just... just shut up, Nepeta. You're... you're hurting yourself." She beamed at me for a moment. Then, I didn't understand why she had smiled. Now I know, it was her happiness to know that I cared. She listened to me, and was quiet for a long time, before she spoke again.  
"...Do...do you hear that?" She looked up at us both, eyes wide with wonder.  
"Hear what, Nepeta?" Equius looked at her with a grimace. Other than the sound of her pained breathing, the room was silent. She had a glazed look in her eyes.  
"The bells, Equius..." Her voice was soft, it trembled. Equius and I looked at each other with confused eyes. She spoke again. "Do you hear them? Are we...are we at a wedding?" A wedding. She had recently gotten a hold of human romance movies and novels, from Rose. She was slipping away from us, and we both knew it at that point. Tears started to form in my eyes, and I found that I couldn't swallow. My throat was stuck. Equius didn't respond. She looked to me, with those questioning eyes. "You're crying, Karkitty. It must be..."She coughed, olive blood falling from her mouth again. "It must be a human wedding."  
"Yeah...yeah. It's a wedding." I didn't have the strength in me to even yell. Her smile for once was soft, barely even there.  
"W-who...Who's getting married?" She asked.  
"...You are." I shuddered as I spat out the most comforting thing I could think of.  
"I am?" She sounded happy. So very happy. "That's nice... am I... wearing a dress?" She didn't even know where she was anymore. She didn't know where she was, or even what she was wearing.  
"...A beautiful dress. You look stunning." I choked out the compliment, and tears started to stream down my cheeks. There was another long silence before she let out a shuddering sigh. "I'm not really getting married, am I?" She asked quietly.

Equius hung his head, looking down at her, expressionless. He was the one to answer. "No." She nodded slowly, and looked up at him.  
"Equius. You have to...to purromise me something, okay?" There was a deep understanding in her voice all of a sudden, and it startled me. I think it startled him too, but he's a hard guy to read.  
"Anything for my best... my best meowrail." He had even stooped to using her cat puns, just to see her smile. She didn't smile this time.  
"I need you to... to keep being strong." She had little olive tears in her eyes. "Be strong, and be happy." She then looked at me. "And you, Karkitty." She had a stern look. "Be the best leader you can be. I believe in you."  
"I'll...do my best." I said. There was another long pause, and it felt like years had passed by.

"G-goodbye..." She said. "Purrlease... don't forget me." Equius and I both looked up at her, and watched as she wilted in his arms, her body going limp, and her eyes dulling. She died there, the faintest smile on her lips. I made a choking noise, and nearly gagged.

"Nepeta. Wake up." Equius wasn't taking this well. "You will wake up at once. That is an order. Nepeta. Stop this. Stop this foolishness at once. Just wake up now." He sounded more frantic than anything else, and he gave her body a light shake. I reached out and put a hand on his shoulder, opening my mouth to try and comfort him, but he just kept talking, his usually strong voice now down to a shuddering whisper. "Please Nepeta... please wake up. What if I bought you some string? Some yarn? To play with? I'll do your silly roleplaying games. Please... just... come back..." His shoulders slumped, and his tears fell, mixing with the blood on the floor.

I looked over at the ground. While he had been tending to her wounds, he had removed her jacket, and left it there. I could see a piece of paper sticking out of one of the pockets, and I reached out, taking it in my hand. Opening it up, I could see her handwriting, and my chest tightened as I realized that this was her 'portable' version of her shipping wall. She had spent so much of her time editing this thing. My eyes glazed over it, a sad smirk on my face at some of the pairings, until I stopped, staring at the very last one. I could feel my entire world stop. "No..." There, on the bottom of the page, with the letters OTP written above it, was a picture of... of me and her, holding hands. There was a red heart between us.

I looked up at Equius holding her, and I couldn't help it anymore. I crumpled, and just let my tears fall from my eyes. I didn't care if anyone saw the red. I just didn't care. What kind of shithead was I? What kind of leader? This whole time I had bitched and moaned about no one loving me, about Terezi leaving, about how I was a shit person. And the whole time, she had loved me. She had constantly pestered me in the past, trying her hardest to cheer me up, and I blindly pushed her away every time, and now that I knew, it was too late.

It took a long time for me to get over it. And I don't think I'm really over it yet, as I watch the wake from my corner of the room. Everyone here looks so sad. But I kind of am relieved. At least she won't be hurting anymore. And I know that someday, I'll find her again. I remember now the promise I made her as she was dying.

Be a good leader? I promise, Nepeta. I will be.


End file.
